What is the Inner Child and Why is it Important?
As we grow old, we continue to carry our younger selves within us every day. For instance, our 7-year-old self who was only shown love and validation when they received good grades, still shows up in our 20s when we beat ourselves up for a poor exam score. Maybe our closed-off 16-year-old self who was cheated on in high school shows up when we try to build relationships and can't seem to trust others.
Finding your inner child isn't about being childish. It's about better understanding your adult life and experience and healing from the pain in your past.
Think of our inner child as a spectrum. Our inner child is a representation of ourselves at multiple points in our childhood. We can have an inner child at various stages.
We are still connected to this even as we grow into adulthood. We can be connected by pain from past traumas, triggering events, or the types of relationships we had with our parents that were never fully healed or processed. We are also connected to it in a more freeing positive way. Some call it 'childlike wonder'. Others refer to it as our natural enthusiasm, curiosity, lack of fear and creativity we experience as actual children.
You come into this world pure. Society, culture, family and other environmental pressures haven't conditioned you to think or act a specific way. This is the purest and the happiest part of the inner child.
Have you ever seen a baby laugh or a toddler gleefully run around without a care in the world? That's how we want to feel but the world told us to be something else and we had no choice (as children we don't know better) but to conform, be conditioned and watered down to the version of society or our family or what outer pressures want us to be!
Our environment begins to shape us; social constructs put us into outdated systems because as children, we were very impressionable. We absorbed like a sponge what our parents told us, what we saw on television and how society and our friends and family treated us. Most of us couldn't think for ourselves and we are conditioned a certain way based on these environmental pressures.
As we progress into adulthood, we may often say, "I feel like I have a lot of pressure on me" "I feel like I have to look or be doing something a certain way"... you have all these beliefs, expectations and pressures put onto you since you were born. Most of the time, you weren't able to choose for yourself if you wanted to follow them. That's why people say, if they could remove these pressures or struggles, it'd be a 'relief' or a 'huge weight off their shoulder'.
For example, if after college graduation you feel this pressure to have it all figured out, it's because society conditioned you since your early years to believe that the major means of survival is to finish school, land a job, buy a house and be married etc.
Doing 'inner child work' is going inside and understanding parts of ourselves that may have been hurt and/or understanding specific conditions, beliefs, values, ways of thinking that aren't truly aligned with us.
In adulthood, we have a chance to heal our inner child and create the safe, secure inner and outer environments our younger selves always wanted. And we can learn to let go of these cultural, parental, social and other environmental pressures we were conditioned to think.
Have no fear!
The great thing is - none of it was your fault! We carry this guilt with us that 'we should've known better,' but you were a kid! You didn't know any better! But now, even though it was never your fault - it is your responsibility to heal.
The goal is to reflect on your childhood, childhood traumas and identify what was neglected. This will allow you to be more kind to yourself and you'll be less frustrated with your emotions.
In fact, tapping into this awareness of your inner child can help you regain a sense of happiness, childlike joy and wonder. It is one of the best forms of self-care and awareness.
As we speak, a part of you still takes those wounds and pain from your childhood and you bring it into your adulthood. Some people refer to it as 'triggers'. These things can explain why you are hurt, afraid, upset easily or perhaps, 'without reason.'
For individuals like me that get frustrated about small things or you who *know* what the right thing to do is but struggle to do it - your inner child could be holding you back due to past trauma, event, or childhood upbringing. If possible, ask your parents about their childhood. It may reveal a lot about themselves, how they raised you and any traits they passed down onto you (subconsciously) (this can be called 'intergenerational trauma').
Examples
For example, your parents separate when you are 8. This separation makes your mom emotionally unavailable and neglects you growing up. As a child, you may have learned to shut off your emotional needs and learn to put your mom's emotional needs first.
You are raised by a single parent as one of your parents left you at a young age. The only parent in your life now is constantly working; so you find yourself alone most of the time and you have to learn how to take care of yourself earlier in life than others. In your adult years, you may have a fear of important people leaving you and this can create abandonment issues. You may struggle with letting people in and trusting others due to your parental separation. This can lead to you being in avoidance emotionally in your adult years.
Let's say you had a younger sibling to take care of during this. You may grow up into your adult years with nurturing motherly tendencies and priorities your sibling before yourself.
If you were cheated on in your first relationship at 15, you may be very anxious when you get into a relationship in your adult years. The lack of security and trust you received at a young age can be carried into your adulthood if not recognized, processed and healed.
As a child with immigrant parents, the ways I was showed love as a child were different. Since my parents' focus was to survive and build a life in Canada without any family support, academics became a priority and represented success in my childhood. The traditional narrative: "Excel in education, get a good stable job - and focus on that only."
Due to the lack of racial and cultural diversity in my childhood neighbourhood, I perceived myself as not being 'pretty' due to my skin colour and culture. At 8, I realized if I wasn't good at being pretty, I could be good at school. Throughout high school and early university, I put all my values towards academics and neglected the important things like my mental health, sleep, and due to the lack of exposure to social life and intimate relationships - I struggled to manage my emotions and prioritize those as it was all new! The upbringing, intergenerational culture and environment as a child can play a big role in what you value into your pre-adolescence and adulthood.
What Does Re-Parenting Look Like?
Re-parenting is understanding what you were conditioned as a child isn't your fault, but is your responsibility.
Your trauma is not your fault, but it is your responsibility.
Re-parenting is taking responsibility to re-condition your inner child (and as a result, heal your adult self and bring you to a more aligned conscious) into a new way of thinking: re-align your values, beliefs and perception to something that is true to you. Not what society, your family or any environmental pressure wants you to do.
In my case, it's re-teaching my inner child and present Self that life isn't all about academics. That there's more to like than the exam result on my paper and that my value isn't measured on academic standing or physical attraction and that I determine my own worth.
This is where all the cheesy "loving myself is the most important" and "I am in control of my life" slogans start. But instead of just reading them off of Pinterest or rolling your eyes every time you say "I know what I need to do" - you actually believe in it on a subconscious and conscious level.
Loving yourself means way more when you realize you never received love from your parents or family. Rather than a "Love yourself" sticker on your laptop.
So, how do you re-parent?
Great question. The fun part of re-parenting is that there are endless ways to re-parent yourself and is specific to you! A certain practice may work for you but not for someone else so it's important to try different and a mix of approaches until you find one that resonates.
Idea 1) Do things you loved as a child. What brought you joy as a child?
For me, I loved creating things as a kid! For instance, I loved designing and sewing clothes, writing stories and songs, creating a small (non-profitable) business, drawing buildings and people.
I continued to do it in my adult years and I never felt the most joy in my life! In fact, it's a part of my purpose now. You don't have to turn whatever made you happy as a child into a life passion and purpose.
Try to make time for it in the next 3 days and ask yourself how you feel. Don't be tough on yourself either. Think of yourself as a child again, you normally wouldn't have cared if you struggled. You'd just have fun with it!
Idea 2) Write a letter to your inner child
If you don't have time to deal with the trigger or emotions, here is a good practice to try once you have time to yourself later in the day: Write a letter to your inner child!
Dear Younger your name,
I see you. I hear you. I'm here for you.
And continue to write to your inner child as if you were talking to your younger self! What does your younger self need to hear? Write it down!
Feel free to even write down a response letter from your inner child or a list of phrases they might say back. This is an incredibly healing practice and I highly recommend it.
Idea 3) If experiencing a trigger, work on it and give yourself space for these emotions
When triggered, take a moment to yourself. If you're in public, go into a private place or make sure you're in a place where you can pause for a moment and think:
Where in your body do you feel this the strongest? Going back into your memory and childhood history, is there an event that reminds you of this feeling?
Ask yourself 1) Why does it hurt and 2) What do you need right now?
Just like when a child isn't feeling okay, it's important to be gentle. So be kind to yourself! Ask yourself 3) Can you give some of the care, empathy and thought to your inner child?
Say it aloud. It doesn't have to be loud. It can be under your breath even. Let your inner child know that you are older now. That things are better and that you able to take care of them. And that you're not leaving them and you are here to hold space for them.
Like any emotion, once you hold space for it (instead of pushing away), the emotion will fade.
Once, your inner child and emotions are heard and held, it'll fade and your inner emotions and inner child is more assured that they are safe.
Idea 4) Journal. Journal. Journal.
Here are journaling prompts you can use to help dig into your childhood and understand your inner child. I used these on my personal journey and found them eye-opening.
➡️ Sit down and ask questions about your childhood. Write down answers and read them back:
How was I raised growing up? What was seen as important?
What type of environment did I grow up in?
What was my perception of self-worth when I was young? How did I measure it? Who decided my self-worth?
How was I loved as a child? How was love expressed as a child?
From my childhood, what do I remember hearing the most?
What did I grow up seeing as in televisions, movies, in my neighbourhood? What was each narrative (what story did each of them tell?)? And how has it impacted me today?
Generationally, how were my parents loved? What did their environment look like growing up? What was important to them? What did they value? How did they measure their own worth?
➡️ Re-parented yourself
Do I agree with the way I was raised?
What societal, cultural, parental values do I disagree with? What values do I truly want to embody and follow?
Re-parent money mindset
Freely explore things I was interested in as a child and adult interests without judgement or fear of failure
Have a safe outlet to release your emotions and thoughts and analysis your thoughts and triggers. A place you feel comfortable confiding to and you don't feel judged.
I like to use a journal because it's easy to bring around and affordable. Some people write better on the Notes App on their phones.
➡️ Use a journal to write down my feelings constantly and my thoughts to release them
Understand healing is a journey, not a sprint. The journey never ends.
As the years go by (because healing is not linear and can take weeks to years depending on the type of conditioning), you may notice a coping mechanism at 17 no longer works for you at 19.
Understand you will change as you age and healing is an ongoing process!
For me, I had to understand and accept that my toolbox for my inner child will change.
Below is a list I used to help navigate my triggers, understand the conditioning and practices I still use in my routine today.
In addition, once you better understand the root cause of your conditioning and actions, you are more aware and have a deeper understanding of why you may implement these everyday lifestyle practices and activities:
➡️ Growing and evolving my toolbox (some things stopped working and that's okay)
Therapy
Journaling (different types of journaling)
When I feel myself about to spiral, I take a deep breath and ask myself to say aloud 3 things I'm grateful for
Talking to myself aloud if I feel rumination or invasive or negative thoughts come up and asking myself aloud why I think this way
Cultivating and taking control of my digital environment; following people that inspire me and watching YouTube vlogs from lifestyles that bring me ease, comfort, inspiration
Falling in love with strength such as workouts I enjoy
Books:
The Subtle Art of Not Giving a Fuck by Mark Manson - overall mindset REBOOT on caring LESS, which helped reduce my overthinking
You are a Bad Ass at Making Money by Jen Sincero - abundance money mindset
How to Win Friends & Influence People by Dale Carnegie- used to grow compassion and empathy for others and talk in an approachable way
The big reward... trust me, you'll see it
➡️ Eventually, what I was consuming (materials, environment) and practicing - I started to attract better opportunities and people in my life.
I started to find emotional stability in my life and with the choices, I was making in my career (quitting the 9-5 lifestyle at 21), environment (moving out at 22) and embracing a calling I've wanted (travel as a part of my living and work remotely as an entrepreneur) - the financial stability came through the confidence in my skills, decisions and mindset.